Your Choice: A Vicious Cycle or a Virtuous Cycle
by Sharon Loeschen, LCSW

Having been a counselor at Family Service for 26 years, I have learned a lot about relationships and what can enhance them or damage them. Relationships with our family members are deeply important to us and, ironically, that’s what makes them much harder at times. We have so much invested in them that we can get very reactive. That reactivity tends to feed itself and often times it becomes a vicious cycle that pulls us downward. That’s the bad news, the good news is that with an understanding of this, we can choose to stop our reactions and turn them into a “virtuous” cycle going toward enhancing the relationship.

Let’s look at how the vicious cycle can happen as often times there is predictability to it. It begins by getting upset with a family member about something and letting our instinct to protect our selves take over by attacking or blaming. The steps downward get more and more damaging and can look like:

Step 1---Generalizations, “You never help with the kids.”
Step 2---Labeling, “You are inconsiderate.”
Step 3---Character assassinations, “You are a loser.”

You can change this pattern into a virtuous cycle by using two wonderful resources that you have within you. The first is the resource of awareness which is your ability to become conscious of your behavior. The second is the resource of your ability to choose. You can use your resource of choice by:

• Choosing not to generalize, label or assassinate your loved one’s character.
• Choosing the relationship over the desire to win or be right.
• Choosing to stop the negative interaction.
• Choosing to slow down or take a time out.

In my next column I will discuss some more specific ways you can help your self once you have chosen to slow down or take a time out.